month four

He's out of town today. Off to work, to make money to give to her. She gets a lot for five years. That's part of my penance for being a parasite, I have to share him with her. I empty the dishwasher because he's stressed and i want to help as he builds his business to support her. So it is.

I don't ache for the physical anymore. Everything is intellectual. I explain to myself that I'm lucky to have him and this home and this life. I explain to myself that what he's doing feels good. I explain to myself that I love him and I'm lucky to feel that love. And all of it is true. I just don't feel it.

Like I don't feel close to my brother. I wonder it it's autism. I wonder how I will love my children, if I won't resent their perpetual need, if I will savor the daily drain.