lying liars
I just found out my fiancé was on Lavalife last October. This is while we were definitely seeing each other, definitely exclusive, and he was definitely giving me all kinds of crap all up and down for hanging out with ex-boyfriends and wearing sexy clothes and trying to hold on to my "single life". Two months later he broke up with me for a week. Apparently he only spoke on the phone with Lauren, and they never met, but my oh my is my fiancé a good liar, what with all of his indignance. In fact, he lied exquisitely to his wife while we were falling in love.
Of course I thought that it was a function of his relationship, and of his being "trapped" in an "inauthentic" life. I didn't realize that lying was a function of his borderline narcissistic personality disorder. Of course I can't bring up narcissism. Ever since it was brought up in his divorce proceedings, if I allude to it at all, he says, "Oh, I guess that's just me being narcissistic," as though it were patently absurd.
So that's when we talked about honesty.
"You know that I'll tell you the truth no matter what, right?... It feels good knowing you can trust me, right?... Makes you feel safe?... Well I don't feel very safe now."
Not that I did before. We've were entrenched in his divorce for 18 or 19 months. Now we're still fighting for my right to sleep in the house when his sons are over. Throughout all of it I've been vilified - paramour, drug user, meretricious relationship - and then every once in while I find out some little piece of information I should have known already. It's astonishing, but that frog in boiling water bullshit is right on. As long as it doesn't get hot all at once, you adjust. And adjust.
So this Lavalife crap is just one more thing. Oddly enough, it's a relief to see he at least started to explore other possibilities. I'm choosing him after a lifetime of dates and relationships and crushes and false starts, and he's jumping from one lily pad right smack onto the next. So honestly, I was glad to see the impulse was there. But hey, for future reference, I could do without the secrecy and hypocrisy.
Of course I thought that it was a function of his relationship, and of his being "trapped" in an "inauthentic" life. I didn't realize that lying was a function of his borderline narcissistic personality disorder. Of course I can't bring up narcissism. Ever since it was brought up in his divorce proceedings, if I allude to it at all, he says, "Oh, I guess that's just me being narcissistic," as though it were patently absurd.
So that's when we talked about honesty.
"You know that I'll tell you the truth no matter what, right?... It feels good knowing you can trust me, right?... Makes you feel safe?... Well I don't feel very safe now."
Not that I did before. We've were entrenched in his divorce for 18 or 19 months. Now we're still fighting for my right to sleep in the house when his sons are over. Throughout all of it I've been vilified - paramour, drug user, meretricious relationship - and then every once in while I find out some little piece of information I should have known already. It's astonishing, but that frog in boiling water bullshit is right on. As long as it doesn't get hot all at once, you adjust. And adjust.
So this Lavalife crap is just one more thing. Oddly enough, it's a relief to see he at least started to explore other possibilities. I'm choosing him after a lifetime of dates and relationships and crushes and false starts, and he's jumping from one lily pad right smack onto the next. So honestly, I was glad to see the impulse was there. But hey, for future reference, I could do without the secrecy and hypocrisy.
posted by antigone at 2:58 PM
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